Be careful what u wish for… September 18, 2008

What happens when u need something badly n u get it… u feel great.. on top of the world.. but after all of that is over there is this emptyness… now what?

I wanted to have someone who really cares for me, loves me, wants to be with me… v wants to be with me.. he is so in love that he would do anything! he agrees to everything i say… n now that this is what i have…. i dont like it… i dont want it… i wish i never had it in the first place…

We have been talking every night for atleat 3 hrs.. till the wee hours in the morning…we are in different cities… most of the days were fun… we laughed… we have things in common…but last night things changed.. n i dont know why.. i wanted someone who cares and all but has a mind of his own who has some depth, i want to be in awe of him, i dont want things to be that easy n they are… i dont make sence but all this is true.. i am really confused… we have never met… n we are meeting next month on 2nd n am nervous that i liked him so much and all of a sudden i dont! …maybe its the PMS… hope its that… he’s a sweetheart… a bit too sweet…

lets see how it goes… i have to be careful… what i wish for!

Everyone’s faking it… June 1, 2008

Last evening my flatmate and her sister were packing their bags to go to their hometown. i was looking forward to a peaceful evening, being with myself and watching my fav movies.. then my flatmate informed that Neeraj and heena were dropping in. Heena is the cousin of the girl who used to share the flat with my flatmate before me. N neeraj was also a common frnd of that girl. I met them once earlier when they dropped in last weekend… now apparantly my flatmate and her sister detest them. cant stand them. and generally they land up with booze and pizzas.. i came to know last time that this guy was married, had a kid and was out hanging out with girls( us) half his age telling his wife he was attending an office funtion..  i hate such men…completely hate them.. who lie to their wives.. leave them alone on weekends to take care of kids and go out and have fun… since then i was uncomfortable with him coming over and informed my flatmate the same…

Heena is doing her MBA, cant converse properly but smokes like a chimney, thinks its cool and looks like a fool.. Last evening they came again… wt booze n food… n My flatmate n her sis hugged them, greeted them with so much love that i was speechless… just a min ago we were bitching about them n now we all were sitting n getting drunk… i tried initially staying in my room but then they all insisted n it looked rude so i joined them…

i hate this hypocrisy..pretending..double standards..being all fake…i feel sick by doing that… i didnt enjoy my drink n hardly ate… thanked Neeraj and Heena in the end for doing everything( n i actually meant it)… they werent really the bad people.. it was us..

everyone’s faking it… people hug n greet but they dont mean anything… sometimes i feel i dont belong here… i cant do it…wont do it…

Where’s the love gone…??? May 31, 2008

This post is about where’s the love gone.??. In this generation for most of the people( except a few special people) the definition of love has changed. Its about convenience, its about temporary source of having fun, remedy for loneliness, escape from boredom, solution for some urges..

My frnd who belongs to a very conservative family, very affluent family in Delhi has a group of childhood frnds. She’s dated all the guys in the group.. so its like her bunch of x boyfrnds.. she went to pune for her MBA, had a new boyfrnd there who belongs to not so well to do family, is very goodlooking, brilliant and will do well but- eventually. so she went around with this new guy in Pune for a while n when she was back she dumped him saying her family will not accept him.. poor guy was devastated… she partied, is back to her group of frnds, he is heartbroken.. then i get calls from her when she cant decide which x boyfrnd she’s more attracted to..

I cant understand if she knows her conservative family wont allow to date then how come ur dating this rich x boyfrnd n give excuses to dump the other guy..

My other frnd at wrk… is in a serious relationship n she comes to me saying she’s attracted very badly to this new guy who’s 20.. she is talking to him all night n started meeting as well… i told her this has no future coz he’s a kid.. but she just smirks…

am lost here really… am in the wrong century… for sure..

getting hurt hurts the most… May 31, 2008

 

 

I grew up reading love stories, my fav movies were love stories and so were my fav songs… i was in my own bubble where i imagined that being in love meant loyalty, unconditional love, patience, acceptance, no reasoning and so much more..

My first and only serious relationship started in college. i was very popular in college, had my own group of people that i hung out with n our group was envied by all, got loads of attention and loved every minute of it, the most popular senior was interested in me,was chosen Miss Fresher, had a best frnd who understood me ,professors loved me- life was perfect..

Then he came into my life.. he never belonged to our group. He was opposite to what i was. Invisible in college, brilliant and well read but not in college, rocker, aloof, a loner, reserved, no frnds… he befriended my guy frnds in my group n became a part of our group gradually. soon everyone in my group knew that he was interested in me n my guy frnds were a bit possessive about this n opposed the whole thing, tried to get rid of him n asked me to stay away from him… but i liked the fact that that he liked me n was all shy bout it.. soon we started talking on the phone and i liked talking to him..

My frnds told me clearly -stay away he’s not a nice guy. but i didnt understand why?? he was so sweet n brilliant.. probably they were jealous n never understood him.. soon we were in second year n we went for our internship in different companies n we all hardly met… but he kept in touch…n soon he was waiting for me after my wrk got over to listen to me.. he got me flowers. we went for coffee.. i didn’t want to admit but we were dating, meeting everyday… n i was scared what if my friends came to know?? so i lied to them… ditched their plans n went out with him instead… that time we didnt have cell phones and we talked on landline phone.. soon one day my dad called me and said that we have a huge phone bill with me making calls past midnight and talking for hours till the morning- he wanted to know… so i lied again- i said i was talking to my best frnd.. i was scared coz my folks are conservative and boyfrnds were not allowed n dating was a big NO! i called him and told him that this is the last call and its over coz i cant mess with my folks.. he understood..

i was going for a night shift and he was waiting for me in the driveway. my heart skipped a beat.. i was very sad and he gave me a letter and said goodbye.. that was the most beautiful letter i ever got.. he wrote that he loved me n cared n understood n wanted to be happy… i cried in my locker room n tore it n disposed it off as if my folks will find out… i couldn’t tell my frnds coz they didnt know all this had hapnd… that was the longest shift i had… i waited till the morng n made the call to him… i hadnt decided anything, didnt know what to say but i simply called and asked him to meet me… n soon we continued meeting like always… i spent all my savings to buy him something for our first valentine, wrote him billion love letters, colored them, i loved him a lot… a lot..

soon internship ended n we all were back to college. i had the toughest decision to make. i couldnt take the risk of declaring it coz i was scared it might reach my folks plus what will my group of frnds think! he wanted everyone to know. i had to choose. friends who have been there with me or him-who made me feel loved and beautiful… i chose him… my best frnd was sad n warned me again but i didnt care… i was finally in love n assumed it was the price i had to pay… with him on my side i felt protected and content…soon the whole college knew n i was in gossip for all the wrong reasons… but i fought all odds and stuck to him.. he had a medical problem in his eye n my frnds made fun of it n that made me more adamant…

soon we were in our final year- campus was right in the corner which meant preparing for interviews n doing well… he all of a sudden stopped talking to me one day saying he wanted timeoff… i didnt understand why?? he called me when he needed some imp notes… he gave me his assignments which i completed for him… he blamed me that i still missed my frnds… i had to completely cutoff to prove him wrong but nothing i ever did was enough… i cried, i was alone, i couldnt discuss with my folks and i had no frnds left.. i was miserable, i didnt study, couldn’t concentrate, i begged him, said am sorry, he told me to forget everything n carry on..

soon my best frnd n her boyfrnd who were my bst frnds came to rescue.. i was again wt them… he realized smthg n approached me… he said he was sorry… soon we were back together… i missed his hugs.. i missed talking to him and it all over again… i went against everyone to be with him..

Soon we all joined our new jobs to begin our professional careers in different cities.. there were sad farewells, goodbye’s and promises. I came to Mumbai and he was in Delhi. I was excited about the new adventure, meeting people and wanted to do well.. initially we kept in touch n we were like more best frnds than a couple… there was never anything romantic..

One day i came to know he’s quitting his job, which was a bad move in career and losing the best opportunity… i tried to explain but it was futile… i got blamed for everything that went wrong in his life… i like always didnt argue just heard n later cried.. He left the city and went back to his hometown n just sat at home. I knew in my heart that he couldnt live upto the pressure and long working hours and i was doing it and he didnt like it but blamed it anyway on me… a man is sup to be the stronger one but i cant help it..

He came to Mum saying he was worried bout me n missed me but i knew the real reason- lack of any direction in life and moral support from me and frustration of sitting at home got him here.. but when ur in that phase u dont reason u just believe n i had to play my part- be there for him in all situations..

Soon my life started to get complicated. I had long wrkng hrs( 18 hrs) everyday and my only sunday got devoted to him.. he never appreciated that i traveled so far just to meet him, that i spent most of what i was supposed to save on him.. his occasional ‘i love you’ made it worth everything..

soon we had another major issue.. intimacy!! we were independent and got more privacy than what i was probably prepared for.. i had made things clear about how far i could go n it became an issue where i was old fashioned, pre historic and values and morals rubbish…its not like i didnt love him but i needed more time n had to be sure about certain things and yes it was a big deal for me.. am not too cool about one night stands n a commitment is imp and emotional bonding… anyways i heard it all and chose to ignore..

I celebrated every 15th of the month as our anniversary.. i made sure i travel all the way..ordered a sp cake every 15th n we celebrated.. soon he was fed up wt his new job n i got blamed for it.. i wanted it work n still dont know why so i never told him the facts coz it would hurt him..

I did well at wrk and got selected in my batch and got posted to another city. By that time he was convinced what i was trying to tell him- to study and concentrate on a carrer so he too decided to go back to his place n get serious.. soon we had another farewell… i wanted to do well for him.. i was posted in a resort.. beautiful… more busy than ever..poor network n lack of time strained our relationship more… there were times i just couldnt take his call but he wouldnt understand. for our anniversary i spent my years savings and bought him the most expensive phone available and bought tickets and flew down last min to surprise him and to convey that am still the same person i was.. he was excited to see it and instead of being with me he spent the night uploading software in his phone i cried again but he never knew.. when i was about to leave back to wrk he gave me a ring.. i have waited for a ring all my life.. i imagined that moment to be special.. i thought of flowers and candles some nice words to rem this day but he gave it to me like he was giving me the morning newspaper.. n i always told him that whenever he does that pl make it sp… its never about how expensive is the ring but the thoughts and feelings.. it felt like an exchange… i gave the phone and he gave the ring… i was very disappointed… i returned back to work not so happy…at wrk i met this amazing guy there- ( my senior then n my only best frnd today..)
He was there whenever things got really messed up at wrk or in my relationship.. soon i told my frnd i have had enough of this hectic life and its affecting my relationship and i decided to quit my job and go back and start things over… that night i hugged him goodbye on the beach n felt really sad..

I was finally home, with my folks after a long time… i had all the time to speak to him but strange thing hapnd. When he came to knw that i had time for him- he wasnt happy as i expected.. he was finding ways to blame me for anything and pick a fight… that was the sickest phase of my life.. i cut off from everyone.. changed my number didnt keep in touch with my frnds from wrk… i was dying every min n i was confused.. he insisted that now WE ARE FRIENDS.. i didnt understand why all of a sudden!! he never called on my birthday.. i cried every night and self pity was ruining my life.. it felt like a bad accident.. it felt like am dead.. it felt like i couldnt breathe… i never told anyone what hapnd.. soon after months.. i came to Delhi to forfet what hapnd but the questions still haunting me as to what really hapnd? why did we break up? i hadnt had my closure.. thats when i called this guy who i had met in the resort who was my senior… i rem he asked me ” how are you” and where did i vanish.. and he sensed it.. he asked me how r things wt him n all that pent up sadness for months came out… n he heard me out.. n owe him big time… i still tell him that… smtimes u need smone to just listen .. n he did.. n today i have him around as my life support system…( more on him later)..

Then one fine day i get a call and it was him.. he called n we spoke as if nthg hapnd n we didnt knw we were ever together.. then i asked him what was haunting me- what hapnd and why?

He said “I did a mistake..” i never understood. He told me that i was the best thing that ever hapnd to him.. that he behaved like an animal.. that he broke my trust and my spirit.. i still didnt understand..

He was my best frnd, he was my boyfrnd, my first love, and so much more… even when everything got over I still had the memories and cherished them. But he took them away as well. He slept with this chick from our college who had a reputation of being a slut. N he called it a mistake! How can it be a mistake? A mistake is smthg that hapns unintentionally, probably hapns once but cheating on someone takes an effort. U plan stuff, u hide stuff, u lie and u hurt. And sadly it was hapng for a year n I never knew. When I had bought him the stupid phone n he gladly accepted knowing what was going on. He got away saying sorry and termed it a mistake.. n I was left again to figure it out as to why it hapnd? I wanted to kill him, kill her n kill everyone…  

My fairytale bubble burst… my life became a joke.. i probably did my best n the worst was in store for me.. its been really long… i forgave him.. dont miss him…dont think about him but feel bad for myself.. sometimes..

Will i fall i love with someone again? YES! i will. i believe in love, relationships,soulmates… i forgave him and told him to fuck off for good, got my life back, partied like crazy, he called and msg after all that…he wanted us to be good frnds saying them…   

.. getting hurt hurts the most..

 

 

blogged to life.. May 31, 2008

I first got introduced to blogging a year back but wasnt consistent..
a year ago when i started my blog here on wordpress i didnt knw u cant delete it.. i had to clear my previous blog and start with this new one recently i hope this continues… so now i’ll have to mail my very few frnds this one.. its like an addiction… n i love it- totally..

Why some people just cant shut up! May 31, 2008

When i get up in the morning i want peace and quiet.. i dont want to talk n make my coffee n grap the newspaper.. but my flatmate never misses the opportunity to update me on her life.. she cribs too much… even i do but i keep it to myself or pour it all out here but i dont understand what’s the point in complaining and cribbing so much about ur life to others…why cant ppl just shut up!!

I have finally learned the art of avoiding her in the mornings but sometimes( often) it fails n i stand there with my newspaper and a cup of coffee, few steps away from my room not listening to anything she says but i just stand there… i have to… coz if i didnt then it’ll be rude… 

generally after her morning cribbing updates am not in my best of my moods n head for work n sit in office hoping to have those 15 peaceful mins to prepare myself for the hectic day ahead, chack my mails, see if any frnds mailed or scrapped but this colleage of mine just drops in with her coffee n sits in my office n starts to update me on the gossip.. i love the whole gossip thing but not in the morning… why cant she just shut up!!! so i sit there not looking away from my laptop trying to give her a hint ” am busy…pl not now” but it never seems to have any effect…

i finally come back home frm wrk… take a shower, listen to my fav CD, check the fridge for what the maid’s cooked for dinner n my flat mate arrives… n with her arrives her life’s problems… i heat the food for her n ask her to change n come n eat so that the food does not get cold but she wont listen n is busy on her stupid phone… finally i start to eat n she comes n exclaims ” oh the dinner’s ready… i’ll take a shower- which she dosent n the food also gets cold… anyway… am watching the tv n she starts cribbing about her boss, work, family problems, giving all details about each colleage said what and with what expression, boyfrnd problmems, the weather, the roads, traffic, weight issues…n so on..  

what is this post about- i dont know… its probably my time to crib coz ppl have no time to give others a chance to say n people no longer beileve in courtesy n its all about- i, me ,myself… i try n not be rude, i try n be sensitive n hear ppl out n help ppl if they have any issues but the days i want to talk- it never happens.. 

 i tried once by being straight n honest with my flatmate that i hate talking in the mornings and suggested that its better not to crib coz there’s no point n she’ll feel depressed but my lectures didnt work infact she had the audacity to tell me ” i will never understand”, well then dont bug me if i dont understand…

well now i just ignore, dont respond and make no comments and the cribbing people dont enjoy telling me anymore… so i have learnt- u need to be heartless n rude at times coz there’s no way out..

but then again.. Why some people just dont shut up!!!  

if things were simple… May 27, 2008

My stupid internet connection…

Anyways i earlier wrote a really long post on how i fought wt my mom on a stupid proposal sent for marriage by some stupid aunt who cant mind her own business. but that got deleted coz of my super internet connection.

Getting married is not only tough but irritating. I sometimes feel like going to a deserted island n be happy…but i wont be happy there as well.. Why couldnt God just make things simple… imagine we all knew that we will marry this guy around this time n it will be a happy forever… that way there wont be any complications.. i wish… right now the whole world, my immediate family( mum n dad), my grandparents, my stupid little brother n everyone else seems to have one fav topic- marriage.. as if there will be outer space invasion if i dont get married n the world will come to an end..

Last time i was trying to convince my grandfather why i shouldnt marry but it was futile.. Actually i want to marry but my reasons are very different.. but they are pointless as per my folks n the kind of guy does not exist… lets see… i have successfully managed to get rid of all the possible candidates but its getting lamer n more irritating n my folks dont seem to be getting tired…

there is no way am settling down with just anybody.. my next post will be on what kind of guy he will be… that shld be fun….

Ironies of Courage… May 22, 2008

” The reason why we prize courage so highly is that we find it easier to be brave for someone else than we do it for ourselves alone”… i was brave for my friends, had courage for my love but not for myself. I trusted people in the past by being there and giving it all i had but got hurt when i didnt get the same back. They say ‘Have No expectations’ but we all are only human… expectations are part of who u are…

But as life teaches you to carry on… am here… to have courage for myself and believe again…….

Arranged Marriage… May 22, 2008

Why couldnt God make things easy? just assign everyone their soulmates so that there’s no confusion. My folks have gone hysterical. 24 yr old punjabi girl… has to get her married!! The whole process of arranged marriage sucks… i have had an opportunity to meet some really horrible,pathetic,useless men…

• Lillyput guy- he was kind of …short .. i happen to be wearing my stilettos.. n it was funny… he was 5 yrs older than me n i expected him to be more mature n smarter but… he told me ” i always wanted to smoke weed…” Well! dude ur 28 n u want to smoke weed?? n hello!! there are better things to talk about when u meet the girl specially for matrimonial purpose… i mean stick to the regular topics… then he ordered beer n the happy hours were on so he got another bottle n he finished both, not because he wanted to drink but coz he didnt want to waste…n then he was high… n he turned into a creepy, ugly, high tiny guy i was glad when this meeting was over n swore never to get myself into this again. Told him nxt day it wont work politely but he began to sulk n called it a hasty decision.. followed by million sad msgs…mails.. my mum had to intervene n ask him to stop bothering me…  Conclusion- good at heart but stay away..

 

• The Mommylover-was from Bahrain… never met him… mom said just talk to him… n i did… n i knew…NO WAYS!!! all we spoke about or rather he spoke about was how much he loved his mom…. i decided to leave him to his mom… The End conclusion- someone should teach him to grow-up

• My HG… i had my first formal meeting with his folks in a cafe. They are the sweetest people on the planet. He was not in the country apparantly at that time. Then i got a call from my dad that i had to come home coz they were coming with him to meet. I asked my dad if i could speak to him or probably mail him but that as per him was not right. I called my best frnd n cribbed that i was travelling all the way to meet smone i havent seen or spoken to. my fnd laughed at me n told me not to panic..  so i didnt like him before i met. The morning they were supposed to arrive was a bit of a caos. i had to speak to my fnd but he wasnt available. i was irritated n very uncomfortable n my folks didnt even know. anyways they came n the min i spoke to aunty i was all okay.

          Finally i met the mystery guy. He seemed okay. very quiet n very uncomfortable n probably like me thinking what the hell!     but i tried making him talk. He loved socrates, wanted a horse as a pet as a kid, …we had nothing in common.. he asked me some weird questions as to when was i really sad ? what made me irritaed ? about frnds ? blah blah.. i asked him why he wanted to marry n he said coz am thirty n marriage is next in my future plans… i was not too happy hearing that but anyways.. he is an acquarian n am a taurian n the combination is rare coz both signs are strong headed.. then came the question… have u ever been in love… now that was too personal, too direct for the first meeting when am not sure i want to tell so i said no. n he was like “ ur 24 n never been in love! ” then he said ” that means u really dont know much about men!” now Hello!! my taurian instict told me that the acquarian sitting in front me is something else… i wanted to say ” dude i know what ur talking about n i know more than just knowing it all but then i had to just smile n keep quiet… mum told me to behave which meant no wise talk n be boring…  everything changed after that… i expected him to be this boring, bookworm, workaholic but there was so much more n ofcourse i couldnt help it n find out more…

Next day i went out with him n his folks to a hillstation, few hrs drive frm my place.. in the car i completely forgot he was there coz i was so busy talking to his mom n everytime aunty reminded me to talk to him… he was yawnning away daydreaming.. the trip was okay.. met a well known writer, got few books autographed, found out that he was a foodie coz i saw him excited only when he saw food. then we had to sit in a cafe n talk.. i was so… tired, feeling cold n wondered how difficult it will be again to make him speak n to be analyzed again by him.. i dont like being analyzed.. but i was so  taken aback when he just burst out talking… he had so much to say n ask n i was zapped… i felt i was in an interview n my hands were shivering n i felt really irritated with myself as to why am being so nervous.. it was over before i knew n dont rem anythg that hapnd..

we exchanged mails n mum told me like a billion times to keep it short but my mails are generally colorful n very long coz i have loads of stupid things to say.. n my fnd said that i have to be honest wt him to see if this is for us or not n not take it jokingly… so i wrote to him.. a very long mail…but it got a little frustrating for me later coz he wasnt even replying so it all ended abruptly n probably he left… i wanted to tell him that even though he was brought up here but he’s travelled the world n exposed to different cultures and probably his idea of a partner will never be the same as his folks.. he would always find something missing n that something is very important..  i even mailed him when i got all angry with him coz he was confusing me and being impolite and i was worrying all this while that am piling on him n making him unhappy…… i told him to be clear but i dont know what was bugging him so i finally left it there n told my folks that he  got busy n left the idea as of now…but i happen to read his blog that i saw accidently n apologised to him later when we were in touch… i loved it completely… it was funny, it was real, full of life, touching n beautiful… i couldnt believe i met the same guy who wrote it… he was so diffrent… but i absolutely loved reading it n agree with a few things he wrote… that was the end of my humblegenius… sometimes u meet some people in life that are complete strangers yet u get a feeling that u know them… conclusion- nice guy, writes well, v witty, ladies man, caring, polite, fascinating, intriguing, captivating, mysterious, ambitious, brillint, childish, interesting, difficult, confused, misunderstood, sad… i hope he remains a genius.. remains humble n finds what he’s looking for…

Mr. Irritating- god i hated him… his stupid jokes…irritated the hell out of me..  i wasnt keeping well n had to sleep early coz i had work the next day but he just wont care.. he cribbed about the city, his job his frnds n life… i was depressed after talking to him n am by nature very happy..he was flirting from the first sec we spoke.. he had no decency n was some computer software engineer…i didnt even know him but he wouldnt give up!! i finally told him NO n that this wont work…. n then began the torture… the question… WHY? in arranged set ups u just dont ask why?? its understood… afterall its such an imp decision.. i had to really work hard to get rid of him… but he hacked my orkut recently n god i got so scared that i deleted my account… thnak God i never met him… conclusion- such creepy ppl should be shot dead.

 

There were many more…  n today morng mom said that we might have to go to sm far off city to meet this guy… why the hell should i take leaves frm work n travel all the way to meet a complete stranger… why cant i just talk to him first n if things look ok then go ahead… i already dont like him n i just know… my intution saves me evertime…

where are the easygoing, fun, loving, charming….grt guys gone…. but to tell u the truth am glad…  i have had nightmarish experiences meeting some very strange people n havent toldmy folks… i hate complications n i have had too much already … n honestly…being single is so much fun…

 

 

 

Friendship… all crap! May 20, 2008

All my life… i have struggled with the concept of friendship. i just couldnt understand how do u make friends. I dont have childhood friends coz my family kept moving to new places. i changed schools, met new people, had a grt time, they liked me n i liked them but i couldnt have even one single friend. One friend, i could say that he/she knows me. One who knew my secrets. None. As i grew up i was more formal, not afraid to express my point of view but i was definately not the centre of attraction. I probably never wanted to. I hate attention. I get conscious. But i wanted someone to notice, someone to care and someone to ask why i was not there. i grew up in small towns- (dad’s in the army and we often got transferred). I was smart, confident, loved the stage, loved recitations, extempore competitions at school, loved painting… i was reserved, well mannered…
Then we got posted to a big city for the first time… i was in class 12th. I was still a kid…naive.. i had a culture shock… while i roamed around in my fav jeans n pink tees my new frnds wore make up, dressed like fashion models, read cosmopolitan, had boyfrnds, flirting was healthy, smoking was cool, sex jokes were in and being happening and keeping with trends was a must. They hugged when they met, addressed each other saying “darling” “honey” which was supposed to be sophisticated, and abuses like fuck off and asshole were like polite talk.

I was not from this planet. i didnt belong here. I was brought up wt some morals, values, i knew what i wasnt sup to do. I guess then i was the beautiful version of ugly betty. it was all fake but everyone was playing their part. it was about being accepted. it was about survival and getting ahead. I did not try n somehow i did better than all of them n am glad..

In college i made some grt fnds. but politics ruined it all. it became about which group to join. I liked both and so it became a mess. i just make up my mind.

Work life- very exciting. My first job, new city, new apartment, new flatmates. My roomie was a leo. She was steady wt her boyfrnd, loved telling ppl about her sex adventures which were a little too shocking for me… but i loved her as a person. she’s a grt girl. married now but to smone else. The other girl had absolutely no character- every month i saw a new guy… i just couldnt relate to her… then my guy frnd from Dubai- his fav topic ’sex’- his stories and adventures were very amusing for me n he was happy to freak me out. there was a malyali girls group- we all laughed at them… they were …different… but am in touch wt them n i realize today they are awesome… real people…
Then i changed jobs and the city… came to the capital… people believe in showing off more than they are n women dress up like christmas trees. but by now i was sure of who i was n comfortable with it. I had the opportunity to attend the most happening, lavish parties, saw the crowd, felt the energy and loved every minute of it. but i got bored of the fast life… partying till the wee hours in the morning… listening to the same music in all the clubs…getting drunk…puking…sneaking in quietly while the guard of my bldg slept… it wasnt exciting anymore… i was becomming someone i wasnt… i dont hug people when i meet, i dont tell people i love u when i dont mean it… i dont pretend… i tried.. i couldnt..

Gradually i realized in last nite’s party where my so called ver good frnd created a friend n even almost slapped me saying where the hell i was all thses months… she missed me… why did i cut off… she kept saying… oh… am so drunk… but i know she wasnt… she was pretending… i dont know why… maybe it means ur having a grt time… but the same person who blamed me for so much didnt even bother to call on my birthday… i dont understand friendship… being fake.. i spent most of the party with my drink in the washroom… i was sick of her… people pretending to be best friends.. my frnd who was sticking to every guy possible coz she was drunk… I hate it.. i spent whole afternoon looking for a present for her, spent a fortune on expensive cosmetics for her in that hot weather, came to her party in a storm( it was pouring cats and dogs) but all that is not supposed to count… fakeness does… saying i love u does… when u dont mean it…
Conclusion- after lots of brainstorming… investing time, feelings and money for people is really not worth it… if i cant be fake i cant have friends.. n i cant be… so be it… am happy….. seriously….